Worst. Park Name. Ever.

The charming statue of an befuddled capitalist foot soldier, who had gone missing like so many other men in ties with attache cases after 9/11, has returned to the former Liberty Plaza around the corner from Ground Zero. The park is now named after one John E. Zuccotti.

Who the fuck is John E. Zuccotti, you ask? Is he a fireman who died that day, or perhaps a waiter at Windows on the World or a stockbroker at Cantor Fitzgerald? The classic comedic duo George Pataki and Dan Doctoroff revealed all in a high-larry-us send-up of award ceremonies at yesterday’s unveiling:

“In the category of New Name for a Refurbished, 26-Year-Old Park,” Mr. Doctoroff began, “the winner is – ”

” – the winner is,” Mr. Pataki continued, “the chairman of Brookfield Properties, the chairman of the Real Estate Board of New York, the former first deputy mayor of the City of New York, former chairman of the City Planning Commission, and one of New York’s finest citizens: John Zuccotti. This is Zuccotti Park, from this day forward.”

Oh. That John E. Zuccotti. It’s funny that while every other street, park or airport is being renamed “Liberty” or after some fallen hero, this park – so near the site of that five-year-old tragedy – is having “Liberty” stripped from its name in order to salute a real estate tycoon. Well, it is an accurate statement of our values in this post-9/11 age.

Of course, this was easier to do because Liberty Plaza was not a public park, but was instead “privately owned public space” – a concession granted to the public by real estate developers in exchange for the ability to exceed zoning and add even more lucrative floors to a skyscraper. This public space – open air plazas, gardens and parks and enclosed arcades – is meant to provide space for anyone to sit, relax, meet, eat or take shelter from the elements in a congested city.

However, while those extra half million square feet of rentable office space will provide real estate developers with revenue for generations, the public space that was granted in exchange is constantly under threat of privatization. The arcade in Sony building has had much of its space claimed as a dining area for one of the restaurants that leases from the landlord (so if you want to sit there now you must buy an overpriced martini). Citibank has tried to decorate the public area of the Citigroup Center with an “art” installation of red umbrellas – its corporate logo. And now Liberty Plaza has been renamed for the Chairman of the corporation that owns it.

I’ve got a new name for it: Corporate Pinhead Park.